Our Messed Up Tree and 18 Days I Wouldn't Take Back

It was three days before Thanksgiving when I put up our Christmas tree this year. It's not a big tree, but I intricately wrapped the burlap, ribbon, and chose only the cute and sentimental ornaments to hang. I was pleased with our tree and was focusing solely on making the most of the Christmas season (getting the perfect gifts, aligning the perfect schedule, etc.). We had been waiting a few months for a foster placement, so the thought had somewhat lodged in the back of my brain.

It was 1 AM when the boys showed up exhausted and teary eyed. Papers were signed and sad looks filled the room. They had gone through more in their three years of life, than I had in my 29.

Surprisingly enough, it was a 2 AM  bath that broke the ice. The boys jumped into the tub without hesitation. I gave them some toys that spit water. I smiled at their smiles and walked out of the bathroom drenched from head to toe.

Change Comes to the Horn Home

This blog could go on for pages, so we'll trim it up. Night one, I slept in the boys room as one of the boys had nightmares. Night two, I "slept" (if watching Boss Baby and what felt like 50 episodes of power rangers means sleeping) with the same boy on the couch. After two days, I was sleep deprived, emotional, and unsure. "Daddy Tom" was the BEST foster dad during this time. Even though we struggled to find time for just us, he was so good with the boys, he made sure I had some time to breath, he kept laughter flowing, and I could not have done it without him. All that said, Tom left for work on Monday and I cried to friends who called me on phone. I wasn't sure what I had done, who I was, or if we could handle the load. I was humbled. I should feel more connected to the boys. I should be happy about all of this, but I was unsure. I had missed calls from CPS and our agency asking for paperwork and reminding me of the to dos. I was unsure and overwhelmed.

Lets pause for a second. In this time, my family dropped by twice with items for the boys, my mom and sis stayed a whole afternoon, Tom's mom came and stayed overnight. She even brought dinner in a crock pot. Transporting a crock pot for the hour and a half drive, that is true love. Every day, another box of clothes/toys was dropped off on the porch. Donuts and meals started showing up from church friends and our home group. Friends from school met us at the park and let us borrow their humidifier and their kids gave the boys some toys. Friends from out of town sent books and superhero water bottles. Tom and I were overwhelmed by the generosity of the people in our lives. Many times I ask "Can I," but our church and our friends just showed up. I learned so much from them. I don't think people will ever know how much of a blessing they were to us.

Resume: I was still overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the goodness others, but also by the load we had said yes to. I had a few Britt trips to Starbucks to complete paperwork that was due. I teared up the whole way home and cried out to God. I needed God for strength. I needed to see things the way that He sees things. I needed His peace. I needed Him to remind me who I was in Him. I needed to know that no matter if I was put together, or a teary hot mess (which I was), His arms were wide open. I think sometimes we're more inclined to run into His arms when we're a mess. He is good, faithful, and always there for His children.

TRUTH sent from a friend

While I used to define success as being the best/doing things to perfection, I now define success as obedience to our good God. Not just when things are tough, but when things are great too. Success is saying yes and relying on Him to put one foot in front of the other. Because although those 18 days were hard, they also came with some of the richest memories. The look and hug we got each day we picked up the boys from school as they yelled "Mama Britt" or "Daddy Tom." The I love yous before bed, the growth we saw each day, the pure excitement as we looked at Christmas lights. The way the boys started to share toys with kids from home group. The many times the boys reminded us we needed to pray before meals. Hearing the boys belt out "God is Good" in the car. The way the boys felt comfortable in our home. These are memories I wouldn't trade for the world.

The tears that I cried out of uneasiness in November, turned into tears of sadness that the boys were leaving Mid-December. We had a routine, we saw the boys grow, we loved them, and we'll talk about the boys forever. Many apologized when the boys left, but I wouldn't trade those 18 days for anything. I'm thankful to have been "Mama Britt" when the boys needed a "Mama Britt." I'm thankful we had twin three year old boys for 18 days.

As I take down my tree this year, it doesn't look pretty. The burlap is ruffling, a power ranger is hidden within the branches, and the boys homemade cross from church is barely hanging on. Things weren't perfect, but it was the best December yet!

Disclaimer: The boys slept through the night after day 3 (Praise Jesus)! AND There are foster families who foster much longer than 18 days before children are reunited with their family. This was our small story. We are not the heroes. I'm thankful for the work God is doing through other families through foster care.