Our Messed Up Tree and 18 Days I Wouldn't Take Back

It was three days before Thanksgiving when I put up our Christmas tree this year. It's not a big tree, but I intricately wrapped the burlap, ribbon, and chose only the cute and sentimental ornaments to hang. I was pleased with our tree and was focusing solely on making the most of the Christmas season (getting the perfect gifts, aligning the perfect schedule, etc.). We had been waiting a few months for a foster placement, so the thought had somewhat lodged in the back of my brain.

It was 1 AM when the boys showed up exhausted and teary eyed. Papers were signed and sad looks filled the room. They had gone through more in their three years of life, than I had in my 29.

Surprisingly enough, it was a 2 AM  bath that broke the ice. The boys jumped into the tub without hesitation. I gave them some toys that spit water. I smiled at their smiles and walked out of the bathroom drenched from head to toe.

Change Comes to the Horn Home

This blog could go on for pages, so we'll trim it up. Night one, I slept in the boys room as one of the boys had nightmares. Night two, I "slept" (if watching Boss Baby and what felt like 50 episodes of power rangers means sleeping) with the same boy on the couch. After two days, I was sleep deprived, emotional, and unsure. "Daddy Tom" was the BEST foster dad during this time. Even though we struggled to find time for just us, he was so good with the boys, he made sure I had some time to breath, he kept laughter flowing, and I could not have done it without him. All that said, Tom left for work on Monday and I cried to friends who called me on phone. I wasn't sure what I had done, who I was, or if we could handle the load. I was humbled. I should feel more connected to the boys. I should be happy about all of this, but I was unsure. I had missed calls from CPS and our agency asking for paperwork and reminding me of the to dos. I was unsure and overwhelmed.

Lets pause for a second. In this time, my family dropped by twice with items for the boys, my mom and sis stayed a whole afternoon, Tom's mom came and stayed overnight. She even brought dinner in a crock pot. Transporting a crock pot for the hour and a half drive, that is true love. Every day, another box of clothes/toys was dropped off on the porch. Donuts and meals started showing up from church friends and our home group. Friends from school met us at the park and let us borrow their humidifier and their kids gave the boys some toys. Friends from out of town sent books and superhero water bottles. Tom and I were overwhelmed by the generosity of the people in our lives. Many times I ask "Can I," but our church and our friends just showed up. I learned so much from them. I don't think people will ever know how much of a blessing they were to us.

Resume: I was still overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the goodness others, but also by the load we had said yes to. I had a few Britt trips to Starbucks to complete paperwork that was due. I teared up the whole way home and cried out to God. I needed God for strength. I needed to see things the way that He sees things. I needed His peace. I needed Him to remind me who I was in Him. I needed to know that no matter if I was put together, or a teary hot mess (which I was), His arms were wide open. I think sometimes we're more inclined to run into His arms when we're a mess. He is good, faithful, and always there for His children.

TRUTH sent from a friend

While I used to define success as being the best/doing things to perfection, I now define success as obedience to our good God. Not just when things are tough, but when things are great too. Success is saying yes and relying on Him to put one foot in front of the other. Because although those 18 days were hard, they also came with some of the richest memories. The look and hug we got each day we picked up the boys from school as they yelled "Mama Britt" or "Daddy Tom." The I love yous before bed, the growth we saw each day, the pure excitement as we looked at Christmas lights. The way the boys started to share toys with kids from home group. The many times the boys reminded us we needed to pray before meals. Hearing the boys belt out "God is Good" in the car. The way the boys felt comfortable in our home. These are memories I wouldn't trade for the world.

The tears that I cried out of uneasiness in November, turned into tears of sadness that the boys were leaving Mid-December. We had a routine, we saw the boys grow, we loved them, and we'll talk about the boys forever. Many apologized when the boys left, but I wouldn't trade those 18 days for anything. I'm thankful to have been "Mama Britt" when the boys needed a "Mama Britt." I'm thankful we had twin three year old boys for 18 days.

As I take down my tree this year, it doesn't look pretty. The burlap is ruffling, a power ranger is hidden within the branches, and the boys homemade cross from church is barely hanging on. Things weren't perfect, but it was the best December yet!

Disclaimer: The boys slept through the night after day 3 (Praise Jesus)! AND There are foster families who foster much longer than 18 days before children are reunited with their family. This was our small story. We are not the heroes. I'm thankful for the work God is doing through other families through foster care.

Standing Up vs. Walking In

The Most Adorable Little Man!

It's SUMMER! Summer for Britt means a little more time and usually some goal setting, because nothing motivates more than a checklist and a plan #TYPEAPROBS. I really enjoy writing, not that I have much wisdom to share, but because through writing I get to make sense of things and try to understand what God is teaching this ordinary girl about His extraordinary ways. So, here's to sorting through the many thoughts that go through my head each day, weeding out the thoughts about my to-do list, Insta posts, Pinterest projects, coffee visits, etc. and trying to hold on to the thoughts that may be worth sharing ;). 

My adorable nephew Kenai has been standing for months, but he just took his first steps the day before his birthday this week! The standing, although a feat in itself, was much easier to master than the walking. Even so, Kenai's walk is more of a wobbly quick stepping until he falls in the arms of his amazing parents, or his little bum hits the ground. Nevertheless, ten steps is officially a walk in my book (said Proud Auntie B). 

After reading a Facebook post on "standing up" for what you believe in, I got to thinking about how "standing up" is a one time event, but I don't know that "standing up" is used in the Bible as we use it in our posts and posters. And, If I've learned one thing in the past few years, it's that words get twisted, connotations change, and the only words that can truly be trusted are found in the Bible itself. God's Word trumps friends, the latest Christian author release, and even sermons.

So, many times when I hear the phrase"stand up for what you believe in," I get the picture of someone glaring down at another with a pointer finger in their face. In our current day and culture, the phrase "stand up" sometimes carries with it a negative connotation. The crazy thing is, I don't find "Stand Up" in the Bible, but rather "Stand Firm." Stand Firm is used many times throughout scripture and often changed to "Be Steadfast" or "Hold Fast" (Hebrews 10:23, Hebrews 3:14, 1 Cor. 16:13, 1 Cor 15: 58). Thank you Jesus for key word study Bibles!

Hold Fast: keep, maintain. When "Hold Fast" is used in the Bible it's typically a call for us as Christians, not for others. For us to hold fast to God's word, to hold fast in one's mind/heart.

We twist the phrase stand firm, to stand up implying that we are to do a radical act for the Lord, when ultimately, He calls us to walk with Him in obedience while He does a radical work in the lives of others through us. This doesn't mean we don't act, but we act humbly with confidence in Christ as He would have us act. We aim to act, walk, and live out of humility, meekness, service, and love for the Kingdom.

Walk: to live, follow, go, be occupied with. "Whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked." (1 John 2:6).

"Standing up" implies that we act on a one time event, where "walking in" or "standing firm," implies that we are walking in step with God daily. It's a lot harder to continually and internally be firm and in step with the Lord, than it is to "stand up" and sit back down. I don't do a great job in this, in fact, many times my walking in Christ is about as confident as Kenai's first steps, but my prayer is that my lifestyle in Christ and my relationship with others will be more of a walking in, rather than a series of one time events. I don't want to live a life of quick fixes and time out cheers for Christ, but rather a lifestyle of being matured by Christ and acting accordingly. I don't want to shout "STAND UP" at the world who doesn't know Jesus and then sit back down in frustration, but rather to walk with Jesus and see others come to Him as they join the journey following the Bible as a map to the Kingdom. 

When Kenai wobbles, his momma and daddy and there to catch him, just as I know that our good God is walking each step with us. Even when we're asked to walk paths that are tricky, He is there to hold us up. He even asks us to walk beside others who are wobbling too, which is another post for another day :).